


Can't Change, Not For Anyone

by 27summer



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Religious Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 13:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3122354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27summer/pseuds/27summer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2402063">You and Me and Nobody Else</a>Quinn talks to her mother a few days after coming out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Change, Not For Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> There’s some mention of Christianity in here so if you’re sensitive to that, I’d skip this.

Quinn fiddled with her jacket, trying to put on a brave face. She knew if she showed any fear, it would upset Rachel even more. And Rachel was trying to be strong for her, to be there for her. It meant so much. She knew she’d fall apart if she didn’t have Rachel by her side. “I’ll be okay, Rachel.”

“Of course you will.” Rachel smiled at her, wrapping Quinn’s scarf around her neck. “And if it doesn’t go well, you’ll always have a place here.”

“I know. Plus, I’ll be back anyway. I’ll have to get my stuff.” Quinn shrugged at the unamused look on Rachel’s face. “Sorry. Lame joke.”

“You don’t have to be strong for me. This is your mother, Quinn. And you two haven’t spoken since you came out. I- I’m just worried she’ll hurt you.” Rachel rubbed Quinn’s back.

“I’m worried, too. But I can’t avoid her forever. And she called me. I can’t imagine she’d ask me to come home just to kick me out for good. That’s something that can be done over the phone,” Quinn said.

“You sound so confident.”

“I’m not, I’m terrified,” Quinn admitted. “But you’re on my side and you make me feel strong.” Quinn took Rachel’s hands and pulled her close.

“You are strong. The strongest girl I know.”

Quinn snorted. “I think you’re confusing me with yourself.”

“No, I’m not.” Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn. “You’ve been through so much and you’re still here. You’re the most wonderful person I know. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Quinn sighed, pulling back and kissing Rachel’s forehead. “I should go. I don’t want my mom to be waiting on me.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Rachel asked, reluctantly letting go of Quinn.

“I would love to have you with me but I think it would make things worse. I don’t want my mom focusing on you when this is really all about me. Even without you, I’m still gay and she needs to accept that. But I’ll call you when I’m done, okay?” Quinn looked at Rachel, hoping she would understand.

“Okay.” Rachel kissed Quinn’s cheek. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Quinn smiled and opened the door. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Quinn walked outside and took a deep breath. It was time. She could do this. She wasn’t going to cower to her mother but she’d try to have a civil conversation. Maybe it wouldn’t go the way she wanted but she’d face her mom head on and accept whatever consequences came after.

\-------------------

Using her key to let herself in, Quinn walked into her house and called out for her mom. “Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, Sweetie.” Judy came into the room and smiled tentatively. “Come sit down. We can talk in the living room.”

“All right.” Quinn sat down on the couch, looking at the spread of food her mom had laid out. “You didn’t have to do all of this.”

“I wanted to.” Judy looked down at her hands.

“So, you’re ready to talk now?” Quinn asked, deciding to start the conversation right away. No stalling or hesitating.

“Yes, Quinn. I love you very much but I don’t understand why you’re choosing to be like this.”

“I’m not choosing anything,” Quinn snapped, forgetting the promise she’d made to herself to stay calm. “This is who I am.”

Judy sighed. “I don’t know if I believe that. You’ve dated boys. You’re a cheerleader.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m not gay.” Quinn rolled her eyes. “And I told you before why I dated boys. Because that’s what I was expected to do. But none of those boys ever made me feel what Rachel does.”

“Don’t- don’t talk about her.” A disgusted look flashed across Judy’s face.

“Be careful with your words right now, Mom,” Quinn warned. “Say whatever you want about me but leave Rachel out of it.”

“You know that I’ve always liked Rachel but if she’s leading you down this path-”

“It’s not Rachel!” Quinn shouted, standing up and stalking across the room. “Rachel is my girlfriend, I love her but she’s not why I’m gay. I could break up with her and it wouldn’t mean anything. I’d still be gay.”

“Don’t- You- you haven’t tried to change. There are programs that will help you,” Judy said desperately.

“No way. If you called me to come home just to ship me off to some ex-gay camp, you can forget it.” Quinn glared harshly at her mother.

“I’d never send you without your permission but maybe you should give it some thought. Have you really tried changing?” Judy asked, walking across the room to Quinn.

“Of course I’ve tried! I’ve spent years trying to shove these feelings away. I treated Rachel terribly because I didn’t want to be gay.” Quinn shook her head. “I’m going to go. This- this isn’t going to work. You don’t want to talk about this. You just want me to be your perfect little girl and that’s not who I am anymore.”

“No, Quinnie, don’t go.” Judy grabbed Quinn’s wrist, preventing her from leaving. “You’re my daughter and I love you. I just don’t know how to deal with this.”

“I don’t know, either.” Quinn sighed. “Mom, this isn’t what I expected. I never- I don’t really want to fight with you. I just want you to love me.”

“Oh, I’ve always loved you. That’ll never stop.” Judy cupped Quinn’s face. “You’re my daughter.”

“I want to believe you, Mom, but how can I? You- you let Daddy kick me out when I got pregnant. You asked me to leave when I told you about Rachel. You’ve never supported me when I really needed you.” Quinn felt bad when she saw her mom’s hurt face but what she said was the truth. She wouldn’t take it back.

“I- That’s true, I suppose.” Judy swallowed the lump in her throat and took a step back.

“I’m sorry but-”

“No, it’s okay. I have let you down.” Judy smiled tremulously. “I’ll have to prove myself to you.”

“I’d like to be able to trust you but I don’t know how to let myself.” Quinn stared helplessly at her mom. She’d like to have the relationship with her that Rachel had with her dads but that seemed pretty unlikely.

“I understand that it’ll be difficult but I’m not going to give up.” Judy gestured at the couch. “Will you sit down with me?”

“Okay.” Quinn sat down again, drumming her fingers on her thighs.

“I guess I don’t understand you can be gay,” Judy stumbled over the word. “But I- I want to.”

“Really?” Quinn asked suspiciously. It seemed a little too simple for her mom to suddenly be willing to try to understand her.

“Yes. Explain it to me. You’ve spent your whole life thinking homosexuality is wrong. How can you be okay with it now?”

“I don’t know. I never really believed it was wrong. I listened to Dad and our pastor but it never really made sense to me. I just stayed quiet because that’s what we do in this family.” Quinn shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable with her mom’s scrutiny.

“I’m worried about you, Quinn. About your faith. About you going to hell,” Judy said, her eyes filling with tears.

“I don’t believe I’m going to hell,” Quinn said quickly. “I’m still working this all out in my head but I don’t think that God would send me to hell for something I can’t change. And I can’t change it. I’ve tried and it was too hard. I was miserable.”

“You know, Jesus never said it would be easy to follow him,” Judy pointed out.

“Come on, Mom,” Quinn snapped. “You’re picking and choosing what’s in the bible.”

“No, that’s what you’re doing. The bible’s very clear about homosexuality and you’re ignoring it because you don’t like what it said.”

“No, the bible isn’t clear at all.” Quinn blew out a breath and gathered her thoughts. She didn’t want to get into an argument about the bible with her mom. “I looked this stuff up. Rachel’s helped me find websites for Christians who are also gay. There’s also this support group that meets-”

“That’s exactly what I was worried about!” Judy exclaimed, reaching out to take Quinn’s hands. “She’s leading you into sin.”

“No, she’s not.” Quinn shook her head wildly. “Rachel knows how confused I’ve been and she’s trying to help me sort things out.”

“I know she’s not doing anything maliciously. I believe she does care for you,” Judy said carefully. “But that doesn’t mean she’s not helping you sin.”

Quinn held up her hand. “Rachel’s name and sin need to not come out of your mouth again, Mom.”

“Quinn-”

“No,” Quinn said firmly. “Rachel is good and kind and everything the bible says a person should be. She loves me the way Jesus wants us to love each other. I was awful to her and she forgave me. She- she never gave up on me. You don’t have to accept us but you will not put her down.”

“Quinn, you know I like Rachel. I always supported your friendship with her. But- but this is wrong, Sweetheart.” Judy flinched when Quinn backed away from her.

“I’m not going to argue theology with you but most of the passages in the New Testament about homosexuality were talking about prostitution, idol worship and adults sleeping with teenagers. You can’t really apply that to me and my relationship with Rachel.” Quinn had never spoken so honestly with her mother before. It was slightly nerve-wracking but she also felt free. It felt good to stand up for herself.

“We are so far apart on this. I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t support this.”

“What does that mean?” Quinn asked, frustrated that her mother was shutting down. She wasn’t even trying to understand her. “Do I need to get the rest of my stuff and take it to Rachel’s?”

“No, Quinn, of course not. I want you to come home. I just-” Judy cut herself off when Quinn’s eyes flashed with anger.

“You just what? You want me to stop seeing Rachel? That’s not going to happen. I love her so much.” Quinn fought the tears that formed in her eyes. She wouldn’t show any weakness.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Judy said. “I know you’re certain about your relationship with Rachel and telling you to break up with her would be useless. I’ll- I’ll have to wait for you to get past this.”

“This is not a phase!” Quinn shouted as she stood up, needing to get rid of her angry energy. “I am gay and that’s not going away even if Rachel does.”

“I know that’s what you believe but I believe that God can change you. You just have to let him,” Judy said earnestly.

“Do you honestly think I never tried that? That I didn’t spend a ton of time trying not to feel like this? That I didn’t pray to God to make it stop? It didn’t work. I can’t be changed.” Quinn softened as she looked at her mom’s worried face. “And I’m figuring out my relationship with God but I truly believe that he still loves me.”

“I’m glad you believe that but you’re still not-”

“No, we’re not discussing this anymore.” Quinn twisted her hands together as she tried to calm down. “This is pointless. We keep saying the same things. We’re not getting anywhere productive. But one thing I know is I can’t come home while you’re waiting on me to change.”

Judy walked over to Quinn, stopping when Quinn held up her hands. “You can come home. I want you here. We can stop talking about this if you want.”

“How would that even work?” Quinn demanded.

“I- I don’t know exactly.”

“Well, I need to know. Are you going to be weird when I leave to see Rachel? Are you going to bring the pastor over to de-gay me? What do you expect from me if I come home?” Quinn spit out the questions so fast she knew what she was saying.

“I can’t promise that I won’t be uncomfortable with you and Rachel but I want you to come home,” Judy said, smiling shakily.

“That sounds nice but how do I know you won’t get freaked out again and ask me to leave? I don’t think I could take it if you kicked me out again.” Quinn angrily brushed away the tears that fell on her cheeks. She didn’t want to cry and let her mom know how much she’d been hurt by the last year of her life.

“Quinn, I’d never do that again. I’m so sorry about your father and what I let him do.”

“You just told me to leave a couple of days ago!”

Judy shook her head. “I needed time to think. I never expected any of this.”

“I know but- but I’m your daughter. You’re supposed to love me. You’re not supposed to need time.” Quinn could feel herself losing control and she fought it. She didn’t trust her mom to support her if she fell apart.”

“I’m sorry,” Judy repeated. “I’ve never been the mother you needed.”

“You haven’t,” Quinn agreed, surprised by her mom’s words.

“I want to change that but I don’t know how. I can’t just change my beliefs just like that. I don’t know how to reconcile my love for you with what I’ve always believed.” Judy held her hands out to Quinn.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Mom. It took me a long time to understand who I am. To be okay with it. I did awful things because I didn’t want to face it.” Quinn shrugged. “If you’re willing to try, I’ll stay and try to make it work. But I’m finally starting to feel okay with myself. If you’re waiting on me to change, just let me go. I’ll stay at Rachel’s. Her fathers have said that I’m welcome there as long as I need a place to stay.

“I want you here. I won’t say that I won’t make mistakes but I want to make it up to you.” Judy took one of Quinn hands in her own. “Please, Sweetie.”

“I-” Quinn stared at her mom, trying to get a read on her. She seemed to be sincere but how could she really be sure that her mom wouldn’t change her mind? “I’m- I don’t- Can Rachel come over?”

“What?” Judy frowned at the sudden change of subject.

Quinn bit her lip, thinking about what she wanted to say. She wasn’t trying to be petulant; she just wasn’t sure how to explain things to her mom. “I’m wondering how this is going to work. Can Rachel come over? Do we have to stay outside? Is my curfew early when I go out with her? Do you want to know when I’m going to see her? I can’t come back if we don’t settle this.”

“You’re right.” Judy nodded. “We’ve got to talk to each other so there’s no confusion between us.”

“Well? Do you have any answers to my questions?” Quinn looked at Judy expectantly.

“I won’t forbid you from seeing Rachel. And I trust that you’re responsible enough to keep your curfew so no changes there.” Judy met Quinn’s eyes. “I wouldn’t let you invite a boy over without me here so I don’t want Rachel here unsupervised.”

“That’s fair,” Quinn said.

“But I don’t really want to see you two together. At least not yet.” Judy grasped at Quinn when she yanked her hand away.

Quinn rolled her eyes, silently berating herself for getting her hopes up. Her mom was all talk. She may say she wanted to fix things between them but she didn’t really. “You’re disgusted by me.”

“No, I’m not,” Judy insisted. “But it’s hard to change forty years of thinking. I’ll work on it and I’ll love you but-”

“But what, Mom? What if you never change?” Quinn chuckled to herself. She was so naïve. She’d tried not to let herself hope but there was a small part of her that desperately wanted her mom’s acceptance and that was something she probably wasn’t ever going to have.

“Quinn-”

“No.” Quinn scrubbed her hands over her face, recognizing that she had to move past her relationship with her mom. “I’ll- I’ll stay if that’s what you want. But it’s not my job to convince you to accept me. I’ll be respectful but I’m not changing you I am.”

“That’s fine but I don’t want you to be miserable. If you won’t be happy here, you don’t have to come home.”

Quinn sighed, mulling it over in her mind. “It’s probably better for Rachel and I to live apart, as much as I love being with her.”

“Is she pressuring you? Because that’s not right,” Judy said anxiously.

“Relax. Rachel never pressures me about anything, even when she should.” Quinn waved away Judy’s fears. “But we’re young and I don’t want to become too dependent on her. I love her but I don’t want her to be the thing that holds me together.”

“That’s- that’s smart,” Judy said, swallowing uncomfortably.

“Are you really going to be able to handle this? Rachel’s a part of my life and I’m not going to hide her like I’m some sort of sinner or something.” Quinn steeled herself for the response, not expecting anything good.

“I don’t want you to be ashamed.” Judy rubbed her forehead. “I’m going to work on it but you can’t expect me to be okay with this all at once. But I’ll try.”

“Fine.” Quinn smiled. “I’m going to go back to Rachel’s and get my stuff. I’ll be back for dinner.”

“That’s good,” Judy said hesitantly. “Listen, not tonight or anytime soon, but eventually, you should invite Rachel over for dinner.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Judy nodded. “If she’s going to be a major part of your life, I’m going to have to get used to her. And I can’t do that if I ignore her.”

“Thanks.” Quinn grinned, hugging her mom close. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome.” Judy patted Quinn awkwardly on the back.

“I’ll be back in a few hours.” Quinn smiled at her mom and left before anything else could be said. They’d ended the conversation on a high note and Quinn didn’t want her mom to say anything that would ruin it.

\--------------

Quinn kept her brave face on right up until Rachel opened the door. As soon as she saw her face, Quinn burst into tears, collapsing into Rachel’s arms. “Oh, Rachel.”

“Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Rachel slid her hand across Quinn’s back. She pulled Quinn over to the couch and cuddled close to her. “You can stay here, my dads don’t mind. We’ll be your family and I’ll love you no matter what. It won’t be the same but you’ll never be alone. I-”

“It’s okay.” Quinn pulled back, smiling at Rachel’s rambling. “I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to. I’m just slightly overwhelmed right now.”

“Of course you are. Your mom’s important to you and if she rejected you.”

“She didn’t.” Quinn wiped her eyes. “She’s not thrilled about any of this but she’s not kicking me out.”

“She’s not?” Rachel stroked Quinn’s cheek.

“No.” Quinn snorted, still a little stunned by everything that happed. “She- she’s uncomfortable and I think she believes this is some kind of phase but she said she’s going to try. And I guess that’s something.”

“That’s terrific. So what’s with the tears?” Rachel asked.

“It was hard. We talked about a lot of things.” Quinn rested her head on Rachel’s shoulder.

“Do you want to tell me about it? You don’t have to but I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I know. You’re so good to me.” Quinn pressed a kiss to Rachel’s neck. “But I don’t really think you can help me with this. I mean, you can’t change her forty plus years of beliefs.”

“No, I can’t.” Rachel tilted Quinn’s head back, looking into her eyes. “But you said she wants to try.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “And I want to believe that she’s going to try but-”

“But you’re scared,” Rachel finished for her.

“I am. I- she’s never stood up for me before. I can’t let myself trust that she will this time.” Quinn squeezed Rachel’s body, needing to be as close to her as possible.

“I’m not going to tell you that things will work out because they might not. But you’re always going to have me.” Rachel slid a hand up to Quinn’s cheek, stroking the skin there.

“I-” Quinn closed her eyes and sucked in a breath. “I love you so much, Rachel. I don’t want to ever lose you.”

“You won’t,” Rachel swore. “I know we’re young and so much could happen but I can’t ever imagine loving someone like I love you.”

Slowly, Quinn opened her eyes, blinking back tears. “This has been a rough couple of weeks.”

“It has,” Rachel agreed, a laugh escaping. “When do you have to get back home?”

“Not for a while. I told my mom I’d be home for dinner.” Quinn brightened as she remembered her conversation with her mom. “She said I could have you over for dinner sometime. Not tonight or this week, but she said she’d talk with you.”

“That’s fantastic!” Rachel leaned in, brushing her nose against Quinn’s. “She really is making an effort, Quinn.”

“She is.” Quinn pressed her lips to Rachel’s. “But I don’t want to talk about her anymore.”

“Well, we’ve got time. What exactly do you want to do?” Rachel asked, tugging Quinn into her lap.

“I- I don’t think I can take anything heavy right now. Can you just hold me?” Quinn looked at Rachel hoping she wouldn’t take it the wrong way. She loved Rachel so much but she didn’t have the energy to do anything but rest against her at the moment.

“Of course I can hold you. I can’t think of anything I’d like more.” Rachel rubbed at the nape of Quinn’s neck. “Do you want to stay down here or go up to my room? I’ll keep my hands to myself, I promise.”

Quinn shook her head in amusement. “I trust you. Let’s go upstairs.”

“Come on.” Rachel allowed Quinn to pull her up and they made their way to her room.

“You always make me feel better,” Quinn said as she slid onto the bed, resting her head on Rachel’s chest.

“I hope so. That’s all I want is to make you happy.” Rachel tangled her hand into Quinn’s hair.

“You do.” Quinn closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off to sleep. Everything else might be complicated but as long as she had Rachel by her side, she would be completely content. 


End file.
